Yes! Today was the start of school. I'm one year older. officially senior now. xD more freedom, more choices, more independence and... more responsibilities. -shrugs- I'm sooo growing old x( but still, wisdom comes with age and thus growing older is a good trade off (in my opinion). Today was the day i met all my new classmates YAY! xD xD xD awaiting the endless wondful opportunities in SH. xD

i really really really hate you. but i promised to do it and so i will. like Kaichou, i should put my best into everything. so to you, even though i hate you to the core, i'll still try to do my best. tmr is a challenge psychologically cos i really really hate you. HATE YOU. but. i must try to do my best cos i promised.

i just did it again. I got all emotional over some stupid little thing. How many times have that happened already? tell me, i can't count that much.

I sort of understand why people now are afraid of truth, of God, and of light. The closer you go to these things, the darker your darkness will be. It's like seeing more and more flaws before the flawless, seeing more and more wrongs before the truth.

*Change my heart O Lord, may I be like You*

Man, i really need to apologize.

2011

just a post to say I'm alive. Yeah totally as if i will be as lame as that... wait, i take that back. i can be as lame as that.... But not now.

its 2011 and it is kind of scary. Going into SH (Senior High) and becoming older is just a small part of it. I somehow feel like i am becoming different. I guess this is called growing up but looking back into the past, it is really really scary when you feel that you aren't you anymore. The you of the past and the you of the present are so different that they seem to be two different people. It's like I'm losing part of myself daily.

Sure, change can be good. I do think that i am wiser than i was before and of course much more sly (and wicked for that matter) than i was. A certain amount of naivety lost during growth is a plus definitely. But losing parts that i don't want to lose, eg a certain amount of innocence, ignorance is somehow painful. and the process of losing them is so subtle that I didn't even realize i was losing them until I look back.

it makes me wonder what else am I losing now. In this instant as the seconds pass me by, i wonder what else is changing inside me that I would never realize until it was gone for good.

Okay, the reasons i started feeling all this melancholy is because I just kindda of tabulated my JH year GPA results and voila, that can sure send someone (free fall) from cloud nine. (just for the matter, i wasn't exactly on cloud nine anyway, figuratively speaking only).

I wonder if I had tried hard enough during those years. Well, it is too late for any change anyway. Whenever i receive bad results i always push it off and console myself that it was not nearly that bad (when it actually is) as compared to XX and XX and XX. it is like self comforting by stepping on others (a habit i really ought to change). Futile, really. Cause it doesn't change the reality in any way when someone else who can be exactly the same age, in the exact same environment, but get better results (WAYYYYY better results).

i guess it is really a matter of heart work and hard work. I am always getting drawn away by games and anime. Even in primary days I was at least drawn away by BOOKS. Even though they are leisure, fiction books, but still... books are literature items and are better than some fictitious game and anime.

I think in this new year, i really ought to cut down anime. Games are not an issue since i lose interest in them in 2 weeks. Bye Kitsu saga. xD I'm really bored with you already. Anime wise is gonna be a challenge, to say the least since i kind of love them COMPLETELY. Maybe I'll just stick with 2-3 series instead of wolfing down everything that is available on the net.

i'm not gonna give up DC (detective conan) even if you beg me. xD NO WAY. gomen ne. No way for DC to go out.

I'm sticking to Kaichou definitely cos she's my goal.

And of course the world only God knows. <3>

next year (opps i meant this year) is gonna be a hell of a ride. For sure. And it's gonna be hard to keep my goal in sight amongst the things that is waiting to swamp me the minute the gates open (10.1.2011 - start of school) If you need something to picture that, imagine a ricky old gate holding against a tsunami and you get my idea.

moreover i realized, actually quite some time ago, that i'm losing God in my life. I try to keep up with appearances. For who I really don't know since God himself already knew about it. But like all masks and appearances, it breaks. This year (or rather last year) it had completely broken down already. For the last few years i was struggling to ignore the fact that i have been ignoring (to say the least) God. (to be more exactly, i have been pushing shoving God away)

My life's a mess, spiritually and physically. Spiritually cause of the humongous hole inside since God is missing and my growth in the spirit has come to a complete stop. And physically because without God, I've lost my purpose in life. What is the point of trying hard when all that ever happens at the end if that you die and rot? What is the point of gambette if there is nothing at the end of it?

To live is to worship the one true God (something I need to relearn)

its the new year 2011 and I am the graduation batch at 2012. I need to pull it together.

saying all that just took about everything off my chest, now I need to work hard and work 'heart'. My current goal: to be a psychiatrist (psychiatrist = doctor) and I need much better results than what i having be achieving to date. MUCH BETTER.

*With all my heart, with all my soul, with all my might, I want to love You more* For in You my Lord, i have hope, peace and joy.

-lost and found again-